Music, Insomnia, and Skiing
by Rei Shizuka Kasen
Summary: A lovely little visit to the consultant *coughPSYCHIATRISTcough* goes horribly wrong when a few voices show up in my head...*shudder* Can we say, "Insane", kids? Read and review!


Heya, peoples..  
  
Here we go, another Potter fic. I hope you are extremely frightened, but not enough to finish the story and review.  
  
Sadly, the people mentioned (except for Rei-she's MINE, and Bertha Hippodrome-she's Hester Byrde's) do not belong to me, but to J.K. Rowling. Darn.  
  
Thanks to Crying Raven for inspiration.may you be showered with cookies.  
  
Happy reading, kiddies.*evil laugh*  
  
  
  
  
  
~~Music, Insomnia, and Skiing~~  
  
  
  
The following is based on actual events. No stunt doubles were used and yes, there were injuries.  
  
I walked across the room and took a seat in the cushy chair opposite the finely polished desk in the center of the room. I examined the person who was sitting across from me. She was a middle-aged woman who looked rather irritable, like she was sitting on a porcupine. The placard on the edge of the desk proclaimed her to be Bertha Hippodrome, Consultant.  
  
Me- *thinking* Why did I choose this git to be my consultant again?  
  
Voice #1- Because your parents made you.  
  
Me- *thinking* Oh yeah.  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- Ahem.  
  
Me- Oh, hi.  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- Rei, can we begin, please?  
  
Me- I don't see why not.  
  
Voice #2- Sure you do. You really don't want to be here. I say you pick up that chair, toss it through a window, and jump out.  
  
Voice #3- Nah, too messy results. Let's see what happens here.  
  
Lucius (voice #2)- Shut up, Black. You never want to be a part of anything fun.  
  
Sirius- Oh, bite me, Malfoy. I think we should try to keep her from hurting herself again.  
  
Lucius- Well, damn! What the hell are we doing here, then???  
  
Voice #1- We're simply trying to convince the Hippo there that Rei isn't insane-  
  
Lucius- Aw, I thought that you didn't like to lie, Lupin.  
  
Remus- Never underestimate a werewolf.  
  
Me- Shut up.  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- *just interrupted from her lengthy speech about disorders of the mind* What was that?  
  
Me- Gah! Um, nothing. Please continue.  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- Hm. *continues to blather aimlessly*  
  
Me- *thinking* You shut up in there.  
  
Sirius- But my dear Rei, we're only trying to help!  
  
Lucius- Sure you are, Sirius.  
  
Remus- Neither one of you are helping.  
  
Sirius and Lucius- Bite me, Lupin.  
  
Remus- Watch yourselves on the next full moon.  
  
Me- AAUGH!!!  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- I know. Scary, isn't it? People who hear voices are often mentally unstable. Anyway, the.*resumes chatter*  
  
Lucius- My, aren't we interesting today. Usually you don't talk to us at all, Rei. I feel loved.  
  
Me- *thinking* You shouldn't. I wish I brought my CD player.  
  
Remus- Ooh, music.  
  
Sirius- I wouldn't have minded some music to jam to.I wanted to test a new dance move I was working on. As long as you don't play any of that Japanese crap you usually listen to.maybe I can nail the step.  
  
Me- *thinking* Bite me, Sirius. And my music ROCKS, so you can deal with it. Lucius likes my music, don't you?  
  
Lucius- Um, of course I do! Nothing could be better.  
  
Remus- *mutter* Suck-up.  
  
Lucius- Go chase your tail.  
  
Me- *blinks twice* Uh, ma'am? Do you have any blunt objects I could use?  
  
Lucius-YES!!! She's gonna hurt herself again!  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- No, why?  
  
Me- Er, no reason.  
  
Lucius- Don't stop at that, you git! Come on, there's gotta be something you can use!  
  
Remus- Good Lord, shut up, Lucius!  
  
Lucius- Might I remind you that she deserves this?  
  
Sirius- I hate to agree with him, but he's right.  
  
Remus- How so?  
  
Lucius- Remember the skiing incident?  
  
Remus-......Must you bring that up?  
  
Lucius- Who concocted THAT little catastrophe? SHE did!  
  
Sirius- Well, you really can't blame her, seeing as I'm the only guy she thinks about.  
  
Lucius- Are you kidding me?! Who was in the cabin daydream and who wasn't?  
  
Sirius- *grumble* Okay, so there was one time-  
  
Lucius- Well, one that you know of, anyway.  
  
Sirius-.........  
  
Remus- Um.must we continue this topic?  
  
Sirius- Yes, change of topic please.  
  
Lucius- *snicker* You just don't want to face the fact that Rei absolutely adores me, and both of you are just here for decoration.  
  
Remus- Excuse me! I think we've all had our little dream sequences to speak of!  
  
Sirius- Well, congratulations, Moony. Well done.  
  
Lucius- I really don't care. But before this little visit is over, Rei will have hurt herself somehow, mark my words.  
  
Sirius- You're sick, you know that?  
  
Lucius- That's why Rei adores me so.  
  
Remus- *grumble*  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- Did you understand all that, Rei?  
  
Me- *blinks twice* Um.  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- Are you all right? You seem unnerved.  
  
Lucius- *snicker* Unnerved.care to use a stronger choice of words?  
  
Sirius- Like insane?  
  
Remus-Crazy?  
  
Lucius- Unhinged, perhaps?  
  
Me- AAAAAAAUGH!!!  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- Oh dear, are you all right? I can get some people up here if you need help-  
  
Lucius- She's gonna get the asylum guys in here! Kill her quick! Throw the chair at her! Something!  
  
Me- *cutting her off* No! I'm fine.  
  
Lucius- At least knock her out!!!  
  
Sirius- Sad to say, I'd want to see that.  
  
Remus- Both of you, stop it!  
  
Lucius- Um, no.  
  
Sirius- Heh.I love these little talks. There's always a high potential for chaos.  
  
Remus- I have to agree with you there.  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- Dear, have you been getting enough sleep? You seem to be dozing off.  
  
Lucius- Isn't insomnia such a curse?  
  
Sirius- It's very sad.  
  
Remus- But we had nothing to do with it!  
  
Lucius- Of course not.  
  
Me- I don't have insomnia, you gits.  
  
Bertha Hippodrome-???  
  
Lucius- !!! Rei, I'm hurt. Here, in my heart.  
  
Sirius- Didn't know you even had one.  
  
Lucius- But I do, Sirius.  
  
Sirius- Good Lord, Lucius! I thought there was no hope left for you!  
  
Remus- There's not, you git.  
  
Me- *tries to ignore scuffling sounds in head* Um, ma'am? Do you have anything.um.sharp.I can use?  
  
Lucius- *muffled* Yeah! Go for the sharpness, Rei! Go for the sharpness!  
  
Sirius- *strained* Shut up!  
  
Me- *tries to ignore grunts of pain in head* Anything at all?  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- Um.hang on a second, Rei.*picks up phone on desk, dials a number, and begins to speak softly*  
  
Lucius- SHE'S CALLING FOR BACKUP!!! KILL HER!!!  
  
Me- No!  
  
Lucius- KILL HER NOW!!!  
  
Remus- NO! *sounds of scuffling and punching can be heard*  
  
Me- *clasps head in hands and hunches over, shaking head from side to side* STOP STOP STOP!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Bertha Hippodrome-*hangs up phone and edges towards door*  
  
Me- Where are you going???  
  
Bertha Hippodrome- Um.Rei, there are some people that I want you to meet that will.er.help you.  
  
Lucius- KILL HER NOW!!!  
  
Me-*pounds fist against forehead* SHADDUP IN THERE!!!  
  
Lucius- I warned you.  
  
Sirius- Look what you did, Lucius. You've destroyed any chance we had at convincing the Hippo that Rei was sane. You jerk.  
  
Remus- Seriously.  
  
Sirius- No, I am.  
  
Lucius- What?  
  
Me- You're confusing me!  
  
Sirius- Oh, huzzah. Our plan worked.  
  
Remus- Yay!  
  
Lucius- Well done, chaps.  
  
Me- Well, thanks a lot. You guys have earned me a one-way ticket to the funny farm. I hope you're happy.  
  
Lucius- But we are, Rei darling.  
  
Me- *sigh* Somehow I can see that.  
  
Lucius- Are you upset? Aw, just have another daydream and you'll feel better.  
  
Me- Really?  
  
Lucius- Of course! But you must have me in it.  
  
Sirius- Oh no, you're not getting away that easily.  
  
*Doors open and people in white rush in*  
  
Remus- Oh look, your escorts arrive.  
  
Sirius- Oh well, we tried. Sort of.  
  
Lucius- I told you to kill her when you had the chance.but nooo.  
  
*Is grabbed by the white people*  
  
Me- Great. Off to the happy house.  
  
Remus, Lucius, Sirius- FIGHT, YOU DOLT! FIGHT!!!  
  
Me- *struggles and manages to kick one of the people in the shin*  
  
Lucius-GO REI!!!  
  
*is promptly knocked out*  
  
Remus- Um.Rei?  
  
Sirius- Crap. She'sunconscious.  
  
Lucius- Big word, Black.  
  
Sirius- Bite me.  
  
Lucius- In that case, I'm leaving. She's off to the nuthouse anyway.  
  
Sirius- Yeah, let's get out of here. I hear that there's gonna be another patient in today.  
  
Remus- Ooh!  
  
Lucius- Wanna stick around?  
  
Sirius- Why not?  
  
Remus- I'm off to the lobby to wait.  
  
*All three leave the precise moment I wake up*  
  
Me- Guys? *cricket chirps* Hello? *sighs disgustedly* Great. Just perfect.  
  
Voice #4- Hello, my dear!  
  
Me- *cringes at the voice* No.it can't be.please let it not be.  
  
Gilderoy Lockhart (Voice #4)- I'm back!  
  
Me-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
  
  
~fin  
  
  
  
So, how was it? Disgraceful? Horrid? Positively lackadaisical? Let me know! Review!!! 


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